Common Concerns
1. The practitioner will take sides. Unfortunately this can happen. This makes it vital to select a practitioner who has specific training in couples work. Sadly most counselors say that they do couples therapy but the majority do not have specialty training in this area. Couples work is vastly different than individual therapy and is a learned skill that requires a specialist. This training enables the practitioner to see how both partners contribute to negative patterns of interaction and how both of them are equal contributors to the solutions.
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2. We've already tried couples therapy and it did not help. The truth is that not all couples modalities are created equal. No couples approach has as much research support as Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). Ninety percent (90%) of couples who go through EFT significantly improve their relationship and 70-75% of couples no longer fit criteria for relationship distress following treatment. Compare this to a 35% success rate for the next leading couples approach. Unsuccessful attempts at couples work are understandably demoralizing for both partners and it takes courage and resiliency to even consider trying again. However, be assured when using coaching based upon the EFT model, sessions are not opportunities to vent and complain about one another or to “find the bad guy”. Rather they are opportunities to uncover the underlying dynamics that drive your negative interactions and collaboratively work to create greater emotional safety, security and feelings of love within your partnership.
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3. We are too far gone and should break up. There are some practitioners who will make this declaration and encourage divorce. But the role of a trained specialist is to help you understand how your relationship got stuck and assist you in learning the skills you need to revitalize and renew your bond. Of course there are cases when parting is the best option and a good practitioner can help you part as amicably as possible. This is a very difficult decision to make and deciding whether to stay or go is always your choice. Some couples need help with this discernment process.
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4. Talking about our problems will make things worse. Many couples experience their own attempts to discuss problems actually worsens them. This is understandable because each partner makes sense of the relationship struggles through their own lens and does not have a full, unbiased perspective. Alternatively, you may have had previous therapy where you consistently felt worse after the sessions. This again can be due to having worked with a coach or therapist who did not have the requisite skills and knowledge or perhaps it was just not a good fit between you and the provider. It is important that the practitioner creates a safe environment to discuss the issues productively and get to the root of the problem rather than simply rehash the most recent argument. Through this process you can acquire a deeper understanding of what is actually happening within the relationship and gain the ability to see each other’s struggles and behaviors with new eyes and ears.
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5. We need individual therapy before we can work on our relationship. A growing body of evidence suggests just the opposite. In fact couples work can actually reduce an individual’s symptoms of depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress disorder and other emotional or psychological conditions. Furthermore when one or both partners have mental health challenges, the relationship is invariably impacted and couples work is often the best place to start and can yield the fastest results.
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6. My partner doesn’t think we need therapy. If one of you feels you do, then there is no question that your relationship could use some professional support. Your partner may be concerned he or she will be ganged up on. Some believe they will be told they are at fault or believe the myths listed above. Talk to them patiently when you are not arguing, to discuss your sincere belief that both of you would benefit from an unbiased point of view. Explain to your partner that the reason you want to get help is because they matter so much to you and you want to work through your problems so that your relationship can become a place of peace and refuge rather than a source of pain and stress.
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7. We don’t have time to meet weekly. This can be a real challenge for busy couples. Sometimes it takes shifting schedules around and making the health of the couple a priority. Other times doing a private two-day intensive makes the most sense. For many couples the focused commitment to their relationship through an intensive workshop is an effective way to learn what they need in order to significantly improve their dynamics or at least jump-start the work in a time-effective manner.
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8. My partner is absolutely unwilling to participate. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, your partner is simply unwilling to join you in couples work. If this is the case you can work with a couples therapist or coach individually to understand the relationship dynamics and work on “your side of the street”. Helping one highly motivated partner make changes can have a huge impact on the overall relationship.